Here & Now: Practicing Metta or loving kindness meditation
Here & Now posts focus on new, modified, or experimental elements of my practice
Photo by David W. Levin; St. Louis Botanic Garden, 2024
The Transcendental Meditation (“TM”) technique was my introduction to regular meditation practice in 2015. Though I’ve been exposed to and learned many other meditation techniques — mantra-based, breath-based, other methods as taught by spiritual teachers I deeply respect — I generally come back to the TM method simply because, for me, it just works* as a helpful, simple, daily practice. (*) “works” in the sense that it is simple, easy to remember, do anywhere, and often grants me the subjective, positive feeling of deep rest and stress reduction.
That said, I have long been intrigued by Metta or loving kindness meditation which I learned from Sharon Salzberg. Unlike common meditation practices in which one purposefully, gently observes the mind and its thoughts and (equally gently) comes back to the breath or mantra, Sharon’s teaching of Metta meditation more actively uses the mind to focus on sending positive, loving thoughts to other beings. This stark difference - using the mind vs. observing/quieting the mind - is what had me file away this technique as something novel to try down the road.
What led me to try Metta meditation
For me, “down the road” arrived a couple of weeks ago.
Over the past few months, amidst a period of significant life changes and transitions, I’ve found myself experiencing a number of negative, unhelpful thoughts about the behavior (real and imagined) of other people. Though I could intellectually recognize these thoughts as largely imagined, self-limiting, reflective of my own state of mind vs external people and conditions, I had a difficult time reducing the intensity and frequency of those negative thoughts and emotions.
For many weeks, I engaged in my usual daily practices with hopes that completing specific tasks or crossing certain thresholds in my life would solve the problem. …I’m sure this will end once I sell my childhood home. …Perhaps this will all go away once my youngest graduates high school. …Maybe I just need to get on the other side of that trip…. As one may have predicted, pinning my hopes on the completion of external events did not solve the issue.
Recalling one of those helpful talks or YouTube videos of Sharon Salzberg, I decided to give Metta or loving kindness meditation a try. And indeed, while no instant cure or fix (I have yet to find something that is), my experience with this meditation approach has been profoundly helpful and, I sense, may hold the keys to a solution over the long haul.
The practice (as I do it)
Sit comfortably. Because sitting on a cushion is not often comfortable for me, I most often sit in a comfortable chair with good back support, feet on the floor, sitting upright without head support. In my view, the most important instruction is to sit comfortably. One doesn’t get “extra points” for sitting in a way that creates discomfort or distraction. One of my dear Sangha friends and teachers, Trish Thompson [Dharma name True Concentration on Peace], has a wonderfully simple instruction I love: “Sit in a beautiful posture.”
Close your eyes and take ~30sec or so to simply focus on your breath. I always prefer closing my eyes vs. leaving them open and/or holding a soft gaze on something. While generally not essential to my practice, I certainly prefer a quiet environment free from distractions if possible.
Begin to softly think the words “Safe…Happy…Healthy…Live with Ease.” These are the key words or expressions that one thinks during this type of meditation, so I typically spend a few seconds simply thinking those words to myself in a very soft, approachable, easygoing way.
When feeling settled, begin to apply these phrases in your mind to individuals that come to your mind. Based on how I learned this technique, I often begin with myself:
“May I be safe. May I be happy. May I be healthy. May I live with ease.”
Allow these phrases to manifest patiently, slowly in your mind. There’s no need to rush. Perhaps you may instinctively time each short phrase with your in-breath or out-breath. Perhaps there’s no connection with the breath. All is good. Just take your time with each phrase.
Repeat these phrases in your mind, applying them to individuals and beings your heart tells you to bless in this way. In my personal practice, I generally begin with my immediate family (my wife and children), then cascade outward to include my family of origin, my wife’s family of origin, extended family members - aunts, uncles, cousins - and then expanding outward to include friends, colleagues, those in my community of friendships. In a way, I envision myself blessing individuals with these phrases in an ever spiraling cascade of family and friends. I do not overly plan this. I simply let those individuals or groups appear in my mind and then bless them with the mantra. I find myself addressing them directly in this meditation:
“Cindy: may you be safe, may you be happy, may you be healthy, may you live with ease.”
“Summer/Yara: may you be safe, may you be happy, may you be healthy, may you live with ease.”
“Friends at work: may you be safe, may you be happy, may you be healthy, may you live with ease.”
…and so on
Feel welcome to include any and all individuals/beings who occur to you, including those who’ve passed on. One of the most delightful surprises of this meditation is how many individuals, including friends or acquaintances from my distant past, somehow pop into my head. It often makes me smile and gives me a joyful feeling. I take it as a sign that such folks may be in need of blessing, so I enjoy offering these phrases for their benefit. Similarly, I have no hesitation and often enjoy including individuals who’ve passed on or “dropped the body.” For such folks, I find myself slightly modifying the last line to be “May you be at ease.” Not a critical modification, just feels right to me.
Gradually expand your blessing outward to eventually include all beings in the universe. When you feel you’ve “covered” those individuals closest to you, consider expanding outward to include groups or subsets of beings that eventually lead you to blessing all beings (or, as I sometimes think, "all points of awareness” in the universe). Some examples:
My neighbors: May you be safe, may you be happy, may you be healthy, may you live with ease…
My broader community: May you be safe, may you be happy, may you be healthy, may you live with ease…
All beings in my country: May you be safe, may you be happy, may you be healthy, may you live with ease…
All beings in my world: May you be safe, may you be happy, may you be healthy, may you live with ease…
All beings in my galaxy: May you be safe, may you be happy, may you be healthy, may you live with ease…
All beings or points of awareness in the universe: May you be safe, may you be happy, may you be healthy, may you live with ease…
Conclude with a soft thinking of the key words - safe, happy, healthy, live with ease - similar to how the meditation began.
Take ~3-4min to sit quietly and return from the transcended state. This is always an important and helpful part of my practice. Always good to “recover” (using the term loosely) for a few minutes with quiet sitting before resume daily activity.
What I’ve experienced so far
I believe in approaching “what my experience was like” comments with a high degree of caution, as I’m a firm believer, given what I learned and via my personal experiences, that a) individuals can have wildly different subjective experiences with meditation and spiritual practices, and b) subjective experiences are not indicators of rightness or wrongness. Simply doing the practice is of benefit, no matter if you feel like you sat for 20min thinking of your grocery list or emerge feeling as if you sailed through the universe in formless ecstasy. How many times I’ve learned that having the desire for a particularly subjective experience or feeling is the best way to ensure it doesn’t happen!
That said, I feel it’s helpful to share that in the few weeks or so that I’ve made this my daily practice, I am having more subjectively pleasant, satisfying meditations and, even more importantly, experiencing several hours of freedom from my more angry emotions and negative thoughts after my Metta meditations. Because I am so aware of my negative states of being, I appreciate all the more deeply the breaks I have in which I feel happy, content, and peaceful. I will plan on continuing this practice for a while, with hopes that it may continue to deliver even more enduring benefits.